Last night was the Season Premiere of The Bachelorette with Ashley Hebert.
I missed last season for reasons unknown to myself. Ha.
I really love watching this show because of how funny it is.
Ya they might truly be "on her looking for love" or legitimately serious about it,
but it still gives me a good laugh.
I love every tuesday (after the bachelorette) on Comcast.net, there is a journalist that reviews the previous episode of the Bachelorette.
It is very humorous.
So for those of you who also watch The Bachelorette, I'm going to be posting these articles on my blog for you to read!
Everything in blue is not my writing!
I cannot take credit for anything that is being said in the article.
We've definitely decided that it is going to be a funny season!
You may want to tune in!
“I’m gonna do it right this time,” said a mighty brave Ashley Hebert on last night’s “Bachelorette” season premiere. “I’m not gonna let my insecurities get in the way of my happiness this time.” And so the love muffin installment begins, my chickadees. Twenty-five bachelors got their teeth whitened and their abs cut for a chance to win a free trip and endless booze the girl of their dreams who’s not only skilled in the art of detecting tooth decay but can also move like a Fly Girl! Watch out, J. Lo!
Let’s check out what’s worth noting before we start reciting love poems to that Hunka Monka Chris Harrison:
The Chat That Was Too Whiny and Went Too Long
With her new Celine Dion look, Ashley steps out in her glittery gown and almost blinds Chris Harrison, who manages to look eerily younger season after season. He whisks her away for a brief discussion before her future husbands debut their cheeseball intros, and before he can finish off a sentence, the new Bachelorette goes off on an unending, high-pitched whiny monologue that flattens out the host’s hair and gets him jonesing for an espresso.
Miss Regrets laments that she didn’t trust last season’s Brad-dilda and confesses that she now fears the new boys’ cajones will not flutter for her when they find out she’s the Bachelorette. Although Chris is half-asleep, he jumps out of his Spanx when she tells him a secret someone from Utah (cough cough, Michelle Mooney) warned her about a contestant named Bentley who’s coming on the show “for the wrong reasons.”
“In the ten years I’ve done this show, never has there been drama before the limo arrives!” screams Chris with giddy delight. Although Ash plans on giving this shady character a “fair chance,” she says she hopes he’s hideous and has one front tooth.
Cast of Notable Characters
THE GOODIES
Ryan – The solar power executive is a professional do-gooder and an optimist—and he better be with all of those happy endorphins he’s getting from the rays.
Ben C. - The down-to-earth French-speaking lawyer is all about romance—hence, the piano scene—and talking as if he has an underbite.
J.P. – We got a semi-baldy in the house! This New York contractor and developer with overplucked brows keeps things real and has a subtle East Coast swagger that is yummaay.
THE DEMONIC
Bentley – The blondie wows Ashley with his Cabbage Patch Doll good looks and milky Ryan Phillipe vocal chords, but dark motivations lurk within him, as he outright confesses to the cameras that he has the hots for Emily Maynard and isn’t “overly attracted” to Ashley!
The CREEPIES
Mickey – The chef who aggressively dives in to smooch Ashley’s thin lips, but his superhero square chin gets in the way.
Tim – The liquor distributor manages to get so wasted at the cocktail meet-and-greet, his eyes take turns blinking. After slurring up a storm and revealing his elongated top teeth, he zonks out on one of the patio love seats blanketed by what looks like the fur of an endangered polar bear. He also manages to look geriatric compared to the rest of the guys. Needless to say, he’s escorted off the show, but it’s all good—he’ll probably show up on “Bachelor Pad.”
West – The vacant-eyed South Cackeylacky lawyer whose wife mysteriously died in a bathtub.
Jeff – The Phantom of the Opera has arrived! The masked man tells Ash he wants “to take his face out of the game” so she can judge him on personality alone. Well, from the crazy arctic blue eyeballs that pierce through his mask and that thick five o’clock shadow he’s sportin, dude, go ahead and keep the mask on.
THE HAIR IS TOO BEAUTIFUL
Benjamin – The soft-spoken Sonoma winemaker essentially looks like Melissa Rivers with a shorter do, but we still had to mention his lovely raven-haired locks.
Constantine – The restauranteur looks similar to Benjamin but has more of a Josh Groban thing going on. His earnest flaring nostrils enhances his romantic multi-layered mane.
Stephen – He’s a hairstylist, and the sheen on his hair is a testament to his industry. (Honestly, all three of these guys look the same.) There’s only one thing left to say: TRESemmé, TRESemmé, ooh la la!
HONORABLE MENTION
Excitable Chris from Canada – His teeth were challenging to look at, given that Ash is a dentist and all, but we applaud the highlights in his bangs and his giddy enthusiasm.
First Impression Rose
Here comes the sun! Ryan’s smile beams as he’s awarded the coveted rose. It’s like watching the ending of a Jimmy Dean commercial.
The Leftovers
And the other 17 roses go to: Jeff, Constantine, Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt (the Mama’s Boy), Nick (the soul patch has gotta go), Chris D., Ryan M., Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, William, JP, Ames, and Bentley (what a surprise).
Highlights from the Season
Hip hop til you don’t stop! Ash has no cellulite! A trip around Asia with lots of Asian-sounding music! Flying lanterns! Tai chi! Man claws! The man with the mask even poops with it on! Fiji! More of evil Bentley to come!
