Bachelorette’ Recap: Duped and Dumped By a Demon
For those of you who have skim-milk endowments and fear you’re second-rate goods, last night’s “Bachelorette” was an empathetic ode to you via Ashley’s devastatingly crappola experience!
Not only was her mojo smashed at the Comedy Club, but she was also eviscerated and secretly laughed at by the sadistic subhumanoid Bentley, whose motives were so shady and cryptic, we can only guess he wanted to show off his expensive perm.
Check out the bruising highlights below:
Feeling So Fly Like a G6
Because Ashley feels like going on a date with someone who’s more insecure than she is, she chooses Ben C. as her victim. After showing him some Justin Bieber moves in a studio, she takes him to an outdoor mall and tells him she wants them to do their dance moves right there! Jittery with nerves but being a good sport, Mr. Hamster Cheeks starts shakin’ his bon bon with Ash….then suddenly, they hear…Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard / When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard / Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6 / Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6…IT’S A BIEBER-FEVER MOVIN’ FLASH MOB! Lil Bobby to Grandma Jones—ABC does not discriminate—hit the lawn and jam to the beat with the exact moves that Ash taught Ben—oh my! Amid the massive crowd, Chris Harrison jumps in to show off his 90s groin-thrusting moves.
Because Ashley feels like going on a date with someone who’s more insecure than she is, she chooses Ben C. as her victim. After showing him some Justin Bieber moves in a studio, she takes him to an outdoor mall and tells him she wants them to do their dance moves right there! Jittery with nerves but being a good sport, Mr. Hamster Cheeks starts shakin’ his bon bon with Ash….then suddenly, they hear…Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard / When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard / Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6 / Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6…IT’S A BIEBER-FEVER MOVIN’ FLASH MOB! Lil Bobby to Grandma Jones—ABC does not discriminate—hit the lawn and jam to the beat with the exact moves that Ash taught Ben—oh my! Amid the massive crowd, Chris Harrison jumps in to show off his 90s groin-thrusting moves.
But that’s not all! After the flash mob disseminates to purchase Old Navy shorts and gorge on Auntie Anne’s pretzels, Ash turns Ben around, and Far East Movement begins to play live! As Ben stares at the group in awe as they perform their newest hit, “Rocketeer,” he starts getting hungry for Asian food. By now, the mob has creepily returned and pressures the two to kiss. Ben leans in and gives her the lamest kiss ever, and we get the feeling he never got any Action Jackson in high school.
At dinner time, Ash realizes two things about Ben: 1) He has no eyelashes 2) He’s a romantic idealist—just what she wants! Needless to say, she gives him the rose, and he engulfs her face just as he had practiced on his pillow the night before.
Face-Off
Ames, Ben F., Blake, Chris D., Mask Man, Lucas, Nick, Ryan, William, and Bentley get revved up for their group date with Ash. But before they head out and insult her A-cups, Mask Man is determined to stop flattening his schnoz and suffocating his pores. “It’s finally time to take this mask off,” he tells her as she frantically searches for her smelling salts. [Pulls it off] “Hi, I’m Jeff.” The verdict: Ash thinks he looks kinda old but kinda cute. They return together, and the rest of guys look at his facial farmer’s tan in amazement.
Ames, Ben F., Blake, Chris D., Mask Man, Lucas, Nick, Ryan, William, and Bentley get revved up for their group date with Ash. But before they head out and insult her A-cups, Mask Man is determined to stop flattening his schnoz and suffocating his pores. “It’s finally time to take this mask off,” he tells her as she frantically searches for her smelling salts. [Pulls it off] “Hi, I’m Jeff.” The verdict: Ash thinks he looks kinda old but kinda cute. They return together, and the rest of guys look at his facial farmer’s tan in amazement.
Roasted and Burned
Being the brave girl that she is, Ash takes the boys to the Comedy Club and gets them to roast her in front of a packed house! While most of the guys play it safe and only go as far as saying Ash was Brad’s leftovers and that she has small jugs, William kills it—like in the worst way possible. While repeating the flat-chest jokes, P-Willy strikes Ash’s biggest insecurity. “I thought I was signing up to be with Emily or Chantal and then Ashley’s here—really, who gives a sh-t,” he says, as Bentley secretly nods in agreement and the rest of the guys look on with their pie-holes ajar. Ashley walks off sobbing.
Being the brave girl that she is, Ash takes the boys to the Comedy Club and gets them to roast her in front of a packed house! While most of the guys play it safe and only go as far as saying Ash was Brad’s leftovers and that she has small jugs, William kills it—like in the worst way possible. While repeating the flat-chest jokes, P-Willy strikes Ash’s biggest insecurity. “I thought I was signing up to be with Emily or Chantal and then Ashley’s here—really, who gives a sh-t,” he says, as Bentley secretly nods in agreement and the rest of the guys look on with their pie-holes ajar. Ashley walks off sobbing.
“I’m not gonna pass up an opportunity to mess with her head,” says the demonic Bentley, as he comforts her in her time of need, albeit not missing an opportunity to tell the cameras that she looks “unattractive” while crying. “Listen, with 25 guys, at least 24 were really excited it was you,” he says with a sneaky underhanded grin on his face. Jackhole! Jackhole! Jackhole!
Meanwhile, after making out with Ryan ‘Sunshine’ P. and talking about three-legged dogs with Mask Man, Ashley pulls Bentley aside and tells him that Michelle Money had warned her about him—that he was on the show to promote his business and had planned on leaving after a couple weeks. After hearing her gab out the truth, he reacts the same way he does to everything: as if he just finished a long drag of medicinals with Willie Nelson. “If you did choose to leave, it would be harder than anything I went through last time I was here,” admits Ash. He lies to her and says he’s into her. “That was f–king close,” he tells the camera.
Although Bentley is confident he’s going to get the rose, Ashley surprises him and bestows it to Ryan P. Angry that he didn’t win this competition, the Demon Boy with linebacker shoulders feels justified in making his pre-planned exit.
The Escape Artist
“Today marks the first day of my love story,” gushes Ashley as she tells the camera that if she had the chance, she’d go ahead and run off with Bentley to Salt Lake City.
“Today marks the first day of my love story,” gushes Ashley as she tells the camera that if she had the chance, she’d go ahead and run off with Bentley to Salt Lake City.
After calling the guys “tools” behind their backs, satisfied that he “played everyone,” and declaring that Ash looked like an “ugly duckling” compared to Emily, Bentley packs up and sets off to kill Ashley’s self-esteem. “I’m gonna make Ashley cry, but I hope my hair looks okay,” he chuckles.
He cruises over to her place and tells her the bad news: He must leave because he knows his wittle girl wants her daddy home. “Your daughter has your heart, but you have mine. I don’t know if this is gonna work for me now,” she sobs as she manically pulls on her bangs to cover her global forehead.
“It’s annoying to hold a girl who keeps crying and crying and crying. I already checked out,” Bentley complains. Regardless, he prides himself at trying to torture her one last time by kissing her neck and allowing her to straddle him.
It’s My Season And I’ll Cry If I Want To
“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do! How can I do this?” cries Ash as she falls onto her bed and pulls her puffy silk 80s blankly over her head. “My heart is, like, totally broken. Was I wrong about everything?” she questions. Quietly, Chris Harrison’s head peeps out from under the sheets, and he gravely hands her a Kleenex.
“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do! How can I do this?” cries Ash as she falls onto her bed and pulls her puffy silk 80s blankly over her head. “My heart is, like, totally broken. Was I wrong about everything?” she questions. Quietly, Chris Harrison’s head peeps out from under the sheets, and he gravely hands her a Kleenex.
Bachelorette Rehab with Dr. J.P.
Looking haggard and dressed in a pirate shirt, Ashley greets a happy J.P. at the door. After munching on some Sunkist oranges, Ash decides to look even less desirable and tells him that she’d like them to put on their PJs and veg out. Before he can get a word in, she starts rambling about all of her insecurities, but he reassures her with the strength only an emaciated strong bald gentleman has. He leans in and gives her a kiss in slo-mo, as if he’s lusciously gorging on the entire first scoop of an ice cream cone. “There’s something about Bentley’s kisses…J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department…but J.P. over Bentley in the heart department? I can’t forget about him.” Ashley, you fool! Anyway, the Fool at least gives the New Yorker a rose.
Looking haggard and dressed in a pirate shirt, Ashley greets a happy J.P. at the door. After munching on some Sunkist oranges, Ash decides to look even less desirable and tells him that she’d like them to put on their PJs and veg out. Before he can get a word in, she starts rambling about all of her insecurities, but he reassures her with the strength only an emaciated strong bald gentleman has. He leans in and gives her a kiss in slo-mo, as if he’s lusciously gorging on the entire first scoop of an ice cream cone. “There’s something about Bentley’s kisses…J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department…but J.P. over Bentley in the heart department? I can’t forget about him.” Ashley, you fool! Anyway, the Fool at least gives the New Yorker a rose.
The Last Rose Shocker
After wailing over Bentley and admitting she fell madly in love with his mini-afro, Ash tells Chris Harrison she doesn’t want a cocktail party and would rather break a couple hearts asap. Stout-hearted and fair-minded, she shocks us all by giving the final rose to Prince William, whose eyeballs almost jump out of his sockets at hearing his name being called. He runs up and gives her a huge hug chest-to-chest, as if saying he knows it’s the little things that count.
After wailing over Bentley and admitting she fell madly in love with his mini-afro, Ash tells Chris Harrison she doesn’t want a cocktail party and would rather break a couple hearts asap. Stout-hearted and fair-minded, she shocks us all by giving the final rose to Prince William, whose eyeballs almost jump out of his sockets at hearing his name being called. He runs up and gives her a huge hug chest-to-chest, as if saying he knows it’s the little things that count.
As for the roseless, Ash kicks Chris D. and the Mask Man out of the Playgirl Mansion!
To mark his official goodbye, the Mask Man tosses his disguise into the burning flames—and his animated DVD of “Phantom of the Opera.”
Highlights From Future Episodes
Phuket, Thailand! All-you-can-eat Pad Thai! Humidity flattens everyone’s hair! The man claws come out! Is the Sunshine Boy two-faced?! Say it ain’t so, bro!
Phuket, Thailand! All-you-can-eat Pad Thai! Humidity flattens everyone’s hair! The man claws come out! Is the Sunshine Boy two-faced?! Say it ain’t so, bro!
hahahahah this was great!
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