Memorial Day was Episode 2 of the Bachelorette.
Who watched?!
I didn't...HAHA, though I did watch it the next night (last night).
Here is a recap by the infamous Eudie Pak:
‘Bachelorette’ Recap: So You Think You Can Dance?
Last night’s “Bachelorette” episode was like a tragic horror flick: We were forced to hear sob stories of loved ones who died for one reason or another, watch unsightly wannabe B-Boys in Vegas, and see the Mask Man send telepathic messages to a squawking hawk—in a grey beanie. Now all we need is for one of the bachelors to dress up as a cackling clown, and then surely, we will all die from terror.
But it’s too early to kick the bucket, my lovelies. We have an entire season of tears, jeers, piggie snorts, and nonsense to experience—so let’s just do this already:
Going to the Chapel
Ashley zooms off to pick up Prince William in a Maserati, with the wind revealing her all-encompassing forehead. She flies them off to Vegas and forces him to start planning their wedding. With a WTF expression during the entire date, the cell phone salesman nervously pummels his face with wedding cake (we likey the fondant) and then looks at rings with her as she sadistically giggles. She then takes him to a wedding chapel where the minister spouts off vows. As P-Willy smiles through his sweaty face, he surprisingly says “I do,” but Ashley finally decides to stop the madness and in place of her I-do’s tells him: “I will eventually but not this moment!”
In the evening, the couple row out to their island dinner table surrounded by water, fountains, and screaming tourists, who make them feel completely objectified. When Ashley asks Willykins if he went to college, he defensively admits he didn’t and says he believed his calling was in selling brain cancer-inducing technology. To change the subject, he reveals the passing of his alcoholic father. Tearfully, Ash admits her papa also has a problem with the bottle. They look at each other with empathy and then guzzle down a few to let the good times roll. Once their lips come into contact, Chris Harrison surges out of the water like a euphoric dolphin as a signal for producers to turn on the fountains. People cheer on Ashley and Willy Wonka as they smooch and get splashed with Vegas sewage.
Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames fly off to Vegas to go on a hip-to-the-hippity-hoppin group date with their Beloved. They’re taken to the Monte Carlo theater and watch in amazement as the dance troupe JabbaWockeeZ — who don white masks that’d make Jeff the Mask Man burn with envy — bust-a-move. The guys soon find out that they’ll be separated into two teams, must create a funkdafied dance routine, and compete with each other to see which team will perform in front of a live audience and win time with Ash! Backstreet’s back alright!
After Team 1 (a.k.a. No Rhythm Nation) reenact a rose ceremony (and at the last minute, decide not to wear Flash Dance-like thongs in their routine), Team 2 (a.k.a. The Best Men) try to one-up them by jigging it out to a wedding theme—but no dice. No Rhythm Nation wins! Deflated that their Hammer Time moves didn’t get them time in Sin City, The Best Men head back to the Play Girl Mansion to curl up in fetal positions and resort to destructive emotional eating.
Showtime
Essentially, when the time comes for No Rhythm Nation to gyrate, JabbaWockeeZ offers them a coveted three seconds to shake it like a Polaroid picture. With the help of Chris Harrison, the producers humanely electrocute the men to make their dance moves look robotic and passably cool. On the other hand, Ashley stays on with the real dance troupe and shows off her decade’s knowledge of Jazzercise moves and her overtly minuscule belly button.
Once dinner time rolls around, West grabs her and takes her to a dark empty theater (scariness) and with a stuffed-up goobery nose, tells her how his wife had died in a bathtub. As Ash looks on horrified, we notice the pink lighting hits her face in all the wrong places, and alas, she looks like she’s eligible for Medicaid.
Although Bentley admits that Miss Thang has an “amazing butt” and “rockin’ legs,” all he really wants is to be on T.V. a little while longer to promote his desire to be an L.L. Bean model and have her “tickle my [bleep]” aka “pickle.” As they get to talkin’, Ash begs him to stay, and he despises her for making it so easy. She ends up giving him the rose! Barfballs!
With a coin toss, JP and Mickey compete for the last individual date with the Dancing Queen. The coin slams down in Mickey’s favor, and with that, JP loses even more eyebrow hairs. The lucky raven-haired, blue-eyed bachelor takes off to Vegas and learns that the coin-flipping must stupidly continue as the theme for their date.
“Mickey is gorgeous! He’s better looking than I am!” admits Ash. No comment.
As they sip wine near a Sea World tank, they flip a coin and ask each other intimate questions…but we’re distracted by Mickey’s naked girly ankles.
At dinner, Mickey (a.k.a. Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast”) reveals he’s an only child and remains a huge mama’s boy (red flag), despite the fact that his mom died six years ago. Although Ash acts sad, she messes with his head and says she’d like to flip a coin for him to stay or go. Frowning and flustered with shock at her flippant suggestion, he feels he has no choice but to leave her to it, but thankfully, the coin flips in his favor. “Well, I was gonna give it to you anyway!” she laughs. The rascally Bachelorette takes him to a faux beach, and they go barefoot and secretly look to see if the other possesses unsightly bunions. Suddenly, a stage lights up, and big-shouldered Colbie Caillat starts singing! They frolic in the water, and he slobbers all over her.
The Revelation—Sike!
Sick of sweating and burning in his mask from the California sun, Jeff the Mask Man stops Ashley in the middle of a dark winding staircase and is determined to shed himself of his mysterious cover once and for all! He tells her that he had a brain hemorrhage at 29 and is a divorcee. Once he gets that off his chest, he starts to pull off his mask—but wait! Matt the Original Mama’s Boy interrupts and whisks her away! Doh! Jeff feels he has no choice but to keep his Zorro look intact!
Grossing Himself Out to Win
“I’m not thinking like ‘This is the girl of my dreams,’” says an unenthusiastic Bentley. “She’s just not my type. I get competitive about everything and anything.” And with that, the Bad Boy decides to play it out a little longer and literally sweeps Ashley off her feet and takes her to the fireplace. Although he’s tempted to throw her into the burning flames, he remembers the free trip around the world he might be able to go on and then leans in for a half-arsed smooch. She reciprocates, and mentally, he gags. “It started out good and then kinda sucked towards the end,” he tells the camera.
Buh-Bye
In the end, Matt the Mama’s Boy is sent home, along with Stephen, the heavy-lidded hairstylist, and sadly, the adorable teddy bear, Ryan M.
Highlights From Next Episode
More horrific dancing! An Ashley roast (not a good idea)! Bentley rejects Ash but hopes his tornado-swept jheri curls look okay in the process!
But it’s too early to kick the bucket, my lovelies. We have an entire season of tears, jeers, piggie snorts, and nonsense to experience—so let’s just do this already:
Going to the Chapel
Ashley zooms off to pick up Prince William in a Maserati, with the wind revealing her all-encompassing forehead. She flies them off to Vegas and forces him to start planning their wedding. With a WTF expression during the entire date, the cell phone salesman nervously pummels his face with wedding cake (we likey the fondant) and then looks at rings with her as she sadistically giggles. She then takes him to a wedding chapel where the minister spouts off vows. As P-Willy smiles through his sweaty face, he surprisingly says “I do,” but Ashley finally decides to stop the madness and in place of her I-do’s tells him: “I will eventually but not this moment!”
In the evening, the couple row out to their island dinner table surrounded by water, fountains, and screaming tourists, who make them feel completely objectified. When Ashley asks Willykins if he went to college, he defensively admits he didn’t and says he believed his calling was in selling brain cancer-inducing technology. To change the subject, he reveals the passing of his alcoholic father. Tearfully, Ash admits her papa also has a problem with the bottle. They look at each other with empathy and then guzzle down a few to let the good times roll. Once their lips come into contact, Chris Harrison surges out of the water like a euphoric dolphin as a signal for producers to turn on the fountains. People cheer on Ashley and Willy Wonka as they smooch and get splashed with Vegas sewage.
White Men Can’t Dance
Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames fly off to Vegas to go on a hip-to-the-hippity-hoppin group date with their Beloved. They’re taken to the Monte Carlo theater and watch in amazement as the dance troupe JabbaWockeeZ — who don white masks that’d make Jeff the Mask Man burn with envy — bust-a-move. The guys soon find out that they’ll be separated into two teams, must create a funkdafied dance routine, and compete with each other to see which team will perform in front of a live audience and win time with Ash! Backstreet’s back alright!
After Team 1 (a.k.a. No Rhythm Nation) reenact a rose ceremony (and at the last minute, decide not to wear Flash Dance-like thongs in their routine), Team 2 (a.k.a. The Best Men) try to one-up them by jigging it out to a wedding theme—but no dice. No Rhythm Nation wins! Deflated that their Hammer Time moves didn’t get them time in Sin City, The Best Men head back to the Play Girl Mansion to curl up in fetal positions and resort to destructive emotional eating.
Showtime
Essentially, when the time comes for No Rhythm Nation to gyrate, JabbaWockeeZ offers them a coveted three seconds to shake it like a Polaroid picture. With the help of Chris Harrison, the producers humanely electrocute the men to make their dance moves look robotic and passably cool. On the other hand, Ashley stays on with the real dance troupe and shows off her decade’s knowledge of Jazzercise moves and her overtly minuscule belly button.
Once dinner time rolls around, West grabs her and takes her to a dark empty theater (scariness) and with a stuffed-up goobery nose, tells her how his wife had died in a bathtub. As Ash looks on horrified, we notice the pink lighting hits her face in all the wrong places, and alas, she looks like she’s eligible for Medicaid.
Although Bentley admits that Miss Thang has an “amazing butt” and “rockin’ legs,” all he really wants is to be on T.V. a little while longer to promote his desire to be an L.L. Bean model and have her “tickle my [bleep]” aka “pickle.” As they get to talkin’, Ash begs him to stay, and he despises her for making it so easy. She ends up giving him the rose! Barfballs!
Her Flippin’ Luck
With a coin toss, JP and Mickey compete for the last individual date with the Dancing Queen. The coin slams down in Mickey’s favor, and with that, JP loses even more eyebrow hairs. The lucky raven-haired, blue-eyed bachelor takes off to Vegas and learns that the coin-flipping must stupidly continue as the theme for their date.
“Mickey is gorgeous! He’s better looking than I am!” admits Ash. No comment.
As they sip wine near a Sea World tank, they flip a coin and ask each other intimate questions…but we’re distracted by Mickey’s naked girly ankles.
At dinner, Mickey (a.k.a. Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast”) reveals he’s an only child and remains a huge mama’s boy (red flag), despite the fact that his mom died six years ago. Although Ash acts sad, she messes with his head and says she’d like to flip a coin for him to stay or go. Frowning and flustered with shock at her flippant suggestion, he feels he has no choice but to leave her to it, but thankfully, the coin flips in his favor. “Well, I was gonna give it to you anyway!” she laughs. The rascally Bachelorette takes him to a faux beach, and they go barefoot and secretly look to see if the other possesses unsightly bunions. Suddenly, a stage lights up, and big-shouldered Colbie Caillat starts singing! They frolic in the water, and he slobbers all over her.
The Revelation—Sike!
Sick of sweating and burning in his mask from the California sun, Jeff the Mask Man stops Ashley in the middle of a dark winding staircase and is determined to shed himself of his mysterious cover once and for all! He tells her that he had a brain hemorrhage at 29 and is a divorcee. Once he gets that off his chest, he starts to pull off his mask—but wait! Matt the Original Mama’s Boy interrupts and whisks her away! Doh! Jeff feels he has no choice but to keep his Zorro look intact!
Grossing Himself Out to Win
“I’m not thinking like ‘This is the girl of my dreams,’” says an unenthusiastic Bentley. “She’s just not my type. I get competitive about everything and anything.” And with that, the Bad Boy decides to play it out a little longer and literally sweeps Ashley off her feet and takes her to the fireplace. Although he’s tempted to throw her into the burning flames, he remembers the free trip around the world he might be able to go on and then leans in for a half-arsed smooch. She reciprocates, and mentally, he gags. “It started out good and then kinda sucked towards the end,” he tells the camera.
Buh-Bye
In the end, Matt the Mama’s Boy is sent home, along with Stephen, the heavy-lidded hairstylist, and sadly, the adorable teddy bear, Ryan M.
Highlights From Next Episode
More horrific dancing! An Ashley roast (not a good idea)! Bentley rejects Ash but hopes his tornado-swept jheri curls look okay in the process!
Can't wait to see what the mask does next week!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Boots
P.s. you'll know what I'm talking about